The rise and rise of The Kardashian virus

Kim Kardashian, celebrity, disease, virus, Stephanie Jackson, Kettle Mag
Written by essjaxson

Doctors had hoped that the so-called ‘Kim Kardashian’ sex-tape of 2007 was the beginning and end of it but when online images of a naked, oiled up desperado emerging out of a black bin bag were reported last month, it was clear that the virus had returned.

‘The Kardashian,’ a particularly violent viral flu, has been slowly infecting impressionable and uninspired members of society since the early Noughties, when Paris Hilton was still famous enough to help Perez Hilton’s name make sense.

To the healthy individual, Kimye means nothing, Paper magazine probably showcases origami on its front cover and Kendall is just the way Californian’s pronounce Barbie’s boyfriend. But to a sufferer of ‘The Kardashian,’ these are real people, with real lives and a very real presence on their Instagram homepage. Sufferers of the virus are prone to scarily authentic hallucinations of clone-like dolls which multiply at an astonishing rate and consume every media outlet that the victim lays eyes on.

Symptoms include believing that all social media feeds and sources of contemporary culture are filled with a never-ending influx of nauseating, narcissistic images of half-Armenian busty brunettes vying for attention.



Images are said to include an amount of lip-liner/highlighter/mascara that, experts say, if these people were real, would send their little heads plummeting down onto the nearest sideboard and selfies that pose the Zoolander-esque pondering ‘who am I?’ A sentiment shared by people immune to ‘The Kardashian.’

Sufferers of the most common strain, ‘The Kim Kardashian,’ have even claimed that their idol graced the cover of sophisticated fashion bible Vogue, prompting speculation that the magazine giant experienced a momentary relapse in standards. Editor Anna Wintour hasn’t confirmed whether or not she was suffering from the virus during publication of the April 2014 issue, but did comment that if she ‘just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine.’ 

Take from that what you will. The fact that Ms. Wintour is deliriously contagious, perhaps.


Worryingly, as bacteria continue to multiply, doctors are advising of three new strains of ‘The Kardashian’, which they are calling ‘The Lord Dissick,’ ‘The Bruce Jenner’ and one that experts are extremely concerned about, ‘The Kanye.’

Though considered less overwhelming from a social media point of view, specialists are warning of other undesirable side effects to these versions of the virus.

‘The Lord Dissick’ describes a strain doctors are concerned oozes a level of self-confidence so encouraging, sufferers are following in the footsteps of this self-obsessed, talentless hallucination and applying for permission to become a Lord. Research has shown that this hallucination is neither genetically entitled nor honourably deserving of the title, and would instead be best described as an uneducated, hotheaded dickhead.

Experts are also interested in conducting tests on anyone infected with what they are calling ‘The Bruce Jenner.’ People suffering from the belief that an ex-decathlon star is now cross-dressing in red bodycons, stilettos and black wigs, scuttling in and out of L.A. taxis, headed to various ‘face-enhancing’ appointments, in fact, require support for a number of underlying gender-related issues.

Arguably the strongest strain of the three most recently discovered viruses is ‘The Kanye’, pronounced Kaan-yay, of course. The character imagined by patients displays a level of arrogance so toxically high, sufferers are led to believe that interrupting a celebrity during an acceptance speech is ok, that North-West is an acceptable name for a baby girl and that straddling your half-naked wife (yawn) on the back of a motorbike for a music video titled ‘Reloaded’ is the classy creative vision of a self-proclaimed ‘musical GENIOUS.’

Curing the Kardashian

Vital research to establish how to avoid the virus is so far inconclusive, but it is thought that, like ‘The Bruce Jenner’, attachment to any or all of these hallucinations indicates other underlying issues such as ODD (Obsessive Dependency Disorder), MCN (Minor Celebrity Neurosis) and VDD (Visual Delusion Disease).

Whilst medical experts struggle to find a cure quick enough to contain the virus, it is estimated that one in five of us will at some point be affected.*

If you or someone you know is experiencing any of the symptoms mentioned above, you can call the dedicated support line on: 999-BREAKTHEKARDASHIAN.

*Put another way, if you are currently immune to the virus then it is unlikely that your brother, your best friend, your boyfriend and your dog will be too. It is highly contagious, so be selective of which media outlets you consume and if your boyfriend is more impressionable than, say, your dog, consider tuning in to E4 and waiting for him to mention ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’. It had to be one of you five. Better to get it over with.

Do you know any ways to treat ‘The Kardashian?’ Tell us your tips in the comments section below.