Mayan calendar’s better than yours, so there…

According to the Mayan calendar which, it’s worth noting, has predicted the occurrence of every day thus far accurately, the 21st of December 2012 is the day the world will end.

According to the Mayan calendar which, it’s worth noting, has predicted the occurrence of every day thus far accurately, the 21st of December 2012 is the day the world will end. Now, a handful of so called ‘experts’ may have disputed this, but it is also worth noting that most of them have already paid their rent in advance. Mesoamerican culture professor: Dr Kenneth Dijon had this to say:

“Yes, it’s true that the Mayan calendar shows the 21st December with a large red cross on it, but we believe that in Mayan typography the end of the world would be indicated with not only a cross but with a circle around it, or even several circles. The cross alone is far most likely to represent a birthday or a big job interview.”

It would be easy to fob the Mayans off as either worriers or practical jokers if it weren’t for other startlingly accurate predictions that have also come to light. One traditional Mayan carving clearly shows a female figure, disrobed apart from a crown, surrounded by men holding what appear to be telephoto lens cameras. An image which is haunting in its similarity to the Duchess of Cambridge’s recent altercation. And as if that weren’t proof enough, the carving bore the title ‘Naked Tit Model’ (translated from its original dialect of course) which it doesn’t take a professor of Mesoamerican culture to see, is an anagram of ‘Kate Middleton’.

Dr Jane Hollandaise, Pre-Columbia Historian and women’s rights activist, who uncovered the carving and was able to foresee the event, told us she went to try and warn Kate but could not get close enough because of security.

“I told them who I was and what was going on but they were right in the middle of a game of twister and asked me if I would kindly take a hike.” She was however able to take several photographs which are soon to be published in a scientific journal under the title ‘Told You So: The Mayan Story’, which will only be available in France, Italy and northern Ireland.

Dr Hollandaise said she also missed the opportunity to help Prince Harry avoid embarrassment in Las Vegas last month.

“We mistakenly went to Ron Jeremy’s hotel room instead, well the Mayan painting wasn’t very well preserved so we didn’t realise until afterwards that the naked figure in it was supposed to be playing billiards.” She says that in hindsight she’s glad the way things turned out, in her words: “The Mayans worshipped the Sun and they would have hated to be responsible for depriving it of a gift like this.”

It’s clear that the Mayans had a knack for predictions, so we couldn’t help but take advantage of the opportunity to find out more about the future. We asked Dr Hollandaise if there were any historical works of art from which she could glean an answer to the much debated question: will Bob Dylan win the Nobel prize for literature? She answered: “Yes, not that the Mayans ever made any reference to it but a quick listen to his 2009 Christmas album should give you a good idea.” As for the question: is the world going to end on the 21st of December, she refused to comment, though during the interview she did mention that her car was for sale. Dr Dijon remained sceptical but recommended always wearing a fresh pair of underwear, just in case.

Incidentally, the Sun is offering large payouts for any more naked photographs of members of the royal family. Though if non can be acquired of Camilla, it’s not the end of the world.