Have you experienced bad sex? My top five literary turn-offs

There are three things I do in bed; sleep, read and have sex.

There are three things I do in bed; sleep, read and have sex. My literature studies have allowed me to mènage-á trois with the insatiable Heathcliff, James Joyce and Shakespeare to name but a few. This sort of reading is fantastic in helping me fall asleep book in hand. After five years even classical literature becomes somewhat monotonous. Therefore with open arms I invited Mr. Grey into my bed for an erotic affair which suddenly seemed more important than eight hours sleep.

After a slow and tedious start, the weak character development almost had me shutting Mr. Grey and Miss Steele out of my life forever. Then I was hooked. Yes, the syntax is simple, the plot (if one can call it that) is somewhat lacking, but it explores the alternative to ‘vanilla sex’ that some of us keep locked inside our outwardly prudish ‘no sex please, we’re British’ minds. This book is not literature, it’s soft porn. The narration makes it ideal for women to imagine themselves in the place of Miss Steele. Perfect titillation for exploring the darker side of sex without actually having to do it. (My inner Goddess rejoices).

Bad literature? Yes. Bad sex? Well, it depends what you class as bad. In terms of kinky, pushing boundaries and sexual exploration it is bad, very bad indeed. The sex in Fifty Shades of Grey however is not bad, it delivers. It’s simple structure and language is perfect in pressing the buttons of eroticism.

There is some great literature out there with some terribly, bad sex in it. Bad sex? Look no further:-

Top five ‘bad sex’ moments in literature:

5: ‘Then with a quiver of exquisite pleasure he had touched the warm soft body, and touched her navel for a moment in a kiss. And he had come into her at once, to enter the piece on earth of her soft, quiescent body. It was the moment of pure peace for him, the entry into a woman’s body. She lay still, in a kind of sleep. The activity was his, all his, she could strive for herself no more’.
Lady Chatterley’s Lover, D.H Lawrence.

The original Fifty shades, introducing sex through literature to the masses. Ground breaking, but not something that makes me weak at the knees with the completely selfish sex? One sided pleasure? No thanks.

4: ‘He raised himself to his needs and bend to roll out his tongue around her weeping orifice. He was bringing her to a pitch of ecstasy when she heard Madame Vevue, on the landing, put down the supper tray. Whiffs of onion soup strayed over them as he engulfed her.’
Triptych Of A Young Wolf,  Ann Allestree.

Ok, so even if we let the ‘weeping orifice’ slide, oral sex and onions should never be placed together in a sentence. Ever.

3: ‘The thing inside her jerked and thrashed, a rising salmon, plunging home to spawn. ”Yes!” she shouted, relishing the scarlet pain in her knees as he kept grinding them against the barnacled surface of the goryne’.
Dreams, Demons & Desire, Wendy Perriam.

Sex on the beach, I dig that. There is even the hint of something similar to Mr. Grey within the pleasurable scarlet pain. Metaphors involving fish? Now that’s a turn off.

2: ‘She confiscated the zapper and slid my hand between her thighs. It was wet and warm down there, which was only to be expected, but she might just as well have have deposited my hand on a pizza for all the effect it had’.
Where do We Go From Here, Doris Dörrie.

Capturing perfectly the awkward, amusement from early sexual exploration. I feel for this guy, the inexperience and disappointment, but the pizza preference? About as sexual charged as a potato.

1: ‘That night she cradled me in her arms and soothed me, told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me. On that night of the 12th May 1994 I need that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. I devoured it to give me strength. I was an animal following my instinct.’
A journey, Tony Blair.

And the bad sex award goes to …..Tony Blair! Who’d have thought it? No really, who would have thought it? Thinking about Tony Blair having sex is forbidden territory, a bit like thinking about  your parents doing the deed. Maybe if Tony had followed his university sideline, becoming a rock star, he might have developed some sex symbol status. However the ex-Prime Minister with his prone to upsetting Catholics, Muslims and more recently working mothers wife Cherie? Pass me the bucket.

No, it’s not classic literature then neither is Fifty Shades of Grey which is being so harshly slated as such. Mr Grey doesn’t prefer pizza to sex,  he does whips and chains not onions, never uses fish metaphors and finally, the super sexy image of Mr. Grey is all about pleasuring Miss Steele whilst lavishing her with exquisite gifts.  Mr Grey is kinky, it’s niche and it’s full of fantasies most will never have a chance to explore, with him we are guaranteed to have mind-blowingly good bad sex.