sex & relationships

When it comes to cheating, it’s all about you

There’s no possible way for us to say whether or not your particular boyfriend or girlfriend can ever change their cheating ways. “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” or so they say.

There’s no possible way for us to say whether or not your particular boyfriend or girlfriend can ever change their cheating ways. “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” or so they say. But can we really label all guys this way?

I don’t condone cheating but, controversially, I’m also not against anyone who takes back a cheating partner, even several times over. I’ve been in that boat and I understand that it’s not always about what they’ve done but how they reform themselves afterwards. For a lot of people, it’s not always easy to see that they’re in the wrong, and it’s even harder to say goodbye.

While it’s impossible to determine whether he’s being sincere when he says he’ll never cheat again, if this is a person you know and love you’ll be able to get some kind of inkling about what they’re doing and how they’re feeling. This is when it becomes important for us to start looking at ourselves, rather than over-analysing our cheating other halves.

If you know and understand your own behaviour patterns, you can start to see if you’re enabling their cheating, or even encouraging it. Then, and only then, are you going to be able to decide whether or not it’s worth salvaging the relationship.

It’s human nature

The fact that they’ve cheated is bound to make you feel like you don’t know them at all, but you need to remember that you do know yourself. Even if you don’t think you have a type, the kind of guy or girl who cheats is a particular type in themselves.

No matter what their reason was or how pre-meditated it was, they are the kind of person who’s able to disconnect their mind from their current relationship, and get on with it without feeling any huge amount of guilt or remorse. If you’re adamant that you could never do it to them, then you instantly have a difference between the two of you.

You are clearly more attached and more conscious of their presence in your life, and it’s time to evaluate how much more of your time you’re willing to give over to this attachment.

If they’re a repeat offender then it’s also clear that your partner has a mentality which is easily distracted or gets easily bored, particularly if they find themselves doing the same thing with the same person.

While it’s horrible to think of yourself as the rut that they’re stuck in, that may be how they’re justifying their actions, in which case the best way to surprise them would be pulling yourself up and out.

Look in the mirror

As cliche as it sounds, the only way that a cheater will become the ideal partner is if they change both their ways and themselves. Almost everyone has thought that they can change someone else for the better, but the truth is, you can never know if it’s truly possible to change a person because only they know if they have that capability.

Fortunately, you do know yourself and your own capabilities and this is the strength that’s really going to get you through.

If the fate of your relationship lies in knowing whether or not he can stop cheating, you need to look first at yourself and decide whether it’s really possible for you to change him/her. If you don’t fully believe you can do it and are willing to put the time, pain and effort into it, then move on. It’ll be kinder and better for the both of you.

There are times when we really believe that we’re capable of changing someone for their own good, and if you believe that you are meant to be together despite their indiscretions, then you need to focus on your own qualities and what they can do to help.

Whether you’re patient, forgiving, understanding, tough or a combination of them all, the way you react to finding out about his cheating will be key to whether or not you can forget and move on.

It’s all about you

That’s one of the hardest and most complicated statements to make when it comes to cheating, because you should never believe that it’s your fault someone cheated on you.

But the greatest and most repetitive problem with cheaters is that they’re misunderstood, and that mostly comes from you not being able to understand why they would even dream of doing it.

But if you can look at yourself and why you’re with that person, you’ll be able to look at their actions in a different light. If, after everything, you still believe it’s worth saving then they have to change, and you have to know yourself and how far you’re willing to go in order for that change to come about.

The temptation to focus on them is too great – yes, they committed the act, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have control of the game too.

Cheating on someone is instantly going to break their confidence, and even if they forgive you, things will never quite be the same again. If you’re the one that’s been cheated on, you’re going to spend a lot of time focusing on them and their actions, but this isn’t helpful. It should be about you and your time and your future.

If you feel like he/she is truly sorry, then you have every chance at making a new, better life together, but it should be on your terms. Otherwise, it’s time to let them go. “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” is something very individual and something that will change from person to person.

But one thing they all have in common is both an ability to hurt other people, and an ability to rectify their mistakes. It just depends on you.

What do you think? Have your say in the comments section below.