It’s a Saturday night. For one reason or another, you’re not out getting trollied or even at a pub quiz. You’re on Facebook.
It’s a Saturday night. For one reason or another, you’re not out getting trollied or even at a pub quiz. You’re on Facebook. And there are a million and one status updates on your feed that make you want to gouge your eyeballs out of their sockets. Facebook isn’t a place for your whiney excuse of a status, that’s what Twitter’s for—and all 10,000 of your ‘relevant’ thought processes.
Some of my favourites stem from those who have recently broken up with partners or who want to impart life knowledge on others (because they’ve been there and done what you’re going through, and aren’t afraid to let you know how you should deal with it). I’m not feigning innocence myself here, but it’s when said ‘friend’ quotes yet another Jessie J lyric describing just how mortified they are at their relationship status, that I throw the towel in. If you want a bit of perspective, read the top ten tweets hashtagged #firstworldproblems on Twitter. It certainly gets me through the better part of many a sober night in.
I find myself so used to these wind ups on people’s statuses that I have now whittled down my top bug bears into just 7 categories:
‘So alone/ bored/ unwanted/ angry’
What I love most about these types of statuses is the fact that some people even delete them when they gauge absolutely no response. The fact that they wanted to share their innermost feelings with the world and then felt even more alone, bored, unwanted and angry that people didn’t like their status or get an ‘I’ll inbox you bbz xoxo’ is astounding.
‘Can’t do my revision/ coursework/ project/ life’
OF COURSE YOU CAN’T, YOU’RE ON FACEBOOK. #nuffsaid
‘[Insert x-type of status here]’
What is the actual point of this? Or am I missing a trick and are these people just satirising the fact that we all update our statuses so much with nonsensical proverbs, that they’re just ‘better than the rest of us’? Go home. And think about your actions.
‘Put some sand in my pants so the crabs feel at home!’
If I see this overused frape again, I will cry.
‘Like this status for a rate/like/photo comment’ etc.
What makes you think that your opinion is so valid, that people would even want to know your thoughts on their latest profy p? Having said this, this one makes for a fantastic frape and has unearthed many hidden admirers in the past. Smart move double bluffers…
‘Dear x-person on the bus morning, don’t ever talk to me again when I have my headphones in.’
Ooh, too cool for them, eh? Hipster.
Statuses suffixed with the word: ‘boom!’
Unless you have been fired out of a canon, set off a bomb, or metaphorically caused an explosion of some description of your life, you have absolutely NO REASON to use the phrase ‘boom’ at the end of your status. What are you, an IED diffuser?
So please, world. Do yourselves a favour—ditch the song lyrics and the ‘I know more than any of you ever will because I’ve had my heart broken statuses. I’d be more interested to know what your Nan had for breakfast than the fact that you’re in the library at 4am doing that project due in tomorrow.
Speaking of which…