Good sex is tricky to measure.
Good sex is tricky to measure. But here I have constructed a sexiness scale with 1 equating to the same pleasure one would feel taking out the bins and 10 equating to the same feeling you got when Ron and Hermione finally hooked up. Okay, a little better.
Secret Sex
It’s the dead of night. You sneak out your house and begin the bold walk in the crisp night air to someone else’s house. Someone’s house no one knows you’re going to. Your heartbeat quickens. You finally reach the door and naughty things ensue. Secret sex can be awesome. However, this is all cancelled out when you are prohibited from making too much noise, telling anyone and pretending to buy condoms to store your night cream. ‘It’s more space efficient.’ Also, with sex, you usually end up falling for the person a little, and where’s the fun in having awesome sex with an awesome person if you can’t show it off a little?
Sexiness Rating: 7
One Night Stand Sex
He’s a perfect stranger, he’s gorgeous, he smells great and he’s so into you. You get back to yours, you take of your clothes and- Oh. He has: a tiny penis/a growth/is a woman/is wearing y-fronts/has on a chastity belt… But say there are none of these problems and you go through with it? He could be bad in bed, he could be into bondage, he could enjoy speaking in tongues whilst patting you on the bottom with a hairbrush. Okay, say the sex is normal. What are you left with in the morning? You’ve had sex with a random person. You sort of enjoyed it. And now you’ll never see them again. I’ve heard such experiences can be liberating, but there are so many things that can go wrong with a one night stand, is it really worth it?
Sexiness Rating: 2
Passionate Sex
It’s the kind of sex where there is nothing you want more than to be passionately entangled with this person for the foreseeable future/until you get hungry. Nothing else exists and you cannot think of anything else. Hot? Piri-piri hot.
Sexiness Rating: 8
Madly in Love Sex
Everyone I’ve spoken to agrees with me, that you can have the hottest person who is officially certified as amazing in bed (How awesome would certificates be, by the way? You would know how good you and all your friends are in the sack. On second thoughts, it would provoke the collapse of our society and the world as we know it. Never mind.) But no matter how technically good sex is, sex with someone you really care about doesn’t compare. There is an emotional bond, a physical bond, and a chemical bond with your body sending happy hormones off every which way. If you sleep with someone you’re in love with, the positive feelings associated with sex only intensify, making this the best sex you will ever have.
Sexiness Rating: 10
Drunk Sex
You feel awesome. You feel sexy. You feel uninhibited.
‘Why don’t we try…?’
‘No, you roll the other way and then I’ll…’
‘You know it hurts when you do that?’
Drunk sex allows you to try new things, tell your partner what you love, what you hate and all round boosts communication which is essential to a happy sex life. But be warned: the flashbacks the next day can be stop-in-the-street-and-wail-loudly embarrassing.
Sexiness Rating (at the time): 10
Sexiness Rating (in the morning): 0
Too Drunk Sex
You feel awesome. You feel sexy. You feel unin- no wait. You feel nauseated. You feel dizzy. You feel kind of horny, or that could just be a side effect of mixing gin with tequila.
Best case scenario? You can’t get it up, you pass out in a state of semi-undress or you do it for a little while, and then everything gets hazy.
Worst case scenario? You wake up next to something triangular and orange with the fuzzy memory of being anally violated by a traffic cone.
Sexiness Rating (at the time): 0
Sexiness Rating (in the morning, okay afternoon, post vomiting): -10
Okay I’ll Do It Sex
Sex is the last thing on your mind, but after some persuasion, you think, ‘oh fuck it’ and give in. You have sex to either shut your partner up or to avoid an argument in the morning. While it can turn out well, if you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood and sex for the sake of sex just isn’t worth it.
Sexiness Rating: 2
Safe Sex
In the throngs of passion, the last thing on your mind is getting out a condom, but as the rise of teen pregancies are telling us, it should be the first thing. Condoms can kill the mood and are universally hated by men because they reduce sensitivity, but they’re the best protection we’ve got. Now, the phrase, ‘be a doll and get me a rubber- and ensure your nails don’t snag the latex’ is never going to make its way into porn films, but safe sex is so important. You don’t want to end up with a rash on your hoo ha, do you?
Sexiness Rating: 5
Unsafe Sex
Did I mention the hoo ha rash? It might feel better at the time, and most of us have done it at some point, but it’s so not worth it.
Sexiness Rating: 1
Ex Sex
Having sex with an ex, especially if you’ve been feeling lonely, has the same effect of drinking a Lemsip when you’re coming down with a cold. It’s a familiar little pick me up that you know inside and out, no nasty surprises, with a predictable but satisfying result. Let’s face it, it’s always nice to sleep with someone that you don’t have to pretend in front of and that you have chemistry with without added complications. And when you’re relaxed and not trying hard, what happens ladies? Let’s just say everyone gets a happy ending.
Sexiness Rating: 9
Sweaty Sex
It’s gross but somehow sexy when you’re so involved in the act of sex, that it all gets a bit dirty and steamy. Remember that scene in Titanic?
Sexiness Rating: 8
Out in Public Sex
Personally the what-if-we-get-caught factor is a little too much for me to handle and I find myself going for it, and then chickening out again. Others I have spoken to however, say the chemical effects of fear being pumped around the body makes for more intense sex, and more pleasurable results.
Sexiness Rating: 6
‘But I haven’t had a wax!’ Sex
It is the crucial moment. And much like Miss Jones and her, ‘fuck me, absolutely enormous pants!’ it hits you like a ton of bricks that you cannot possibly go through with the act of sex when your vagina looks more beast than human. What to do? If you stop at crucial moment, you will find that unexplained prohibition of sex will create a sense of mystery and allure about you. If you throw caution to the wind and carry on and crucial moment, a man will no longer care so much what you think of him, and it all becomes a little more comfortable in between your cries of, ‘don’t touch it!’ and ‘if we do it that way round you really will need to close your eyes’.
Sexiness Rating: 9
Just Plain Bad Sex
There is no way to foresee it. Size does not matter. Weight has little influence. Chemistry on the dance floor does not necessarily mean chemistry in bed. To be frank, you cannot predict when bad sex will happen, it will hit you like an earthquake, but will, sadly, fail to shake your world.
Sexiness Rating: 0
Just Plain Mad Sex
Hysterical laughter, assortments of toys from Lovegasm, wigs, a rolling pin- whatever crazy shit you do in bed, the more fun you have, the better sex will be. Bear in mind, a warning for your partner will be nice.
Sexiness Rating: 7
I-know-I-shouldn’t-but-I’m-going-to-anyway Sex
The hottest of the hot. You know you are going to regret it, and you know that the consequences of your actions could affect you in all sorts of horrible ways – which makes it even more tempting. We all want something that we can’t have, but if the opportunity is there to get it, take it. You won’t regret it. Oh shit, scratch that, you definitely will. Oh well!
Sexiness Rating: 10
Ultimately, we all know that great sex depends on the person, not the scenario. There is something to be said for the argument that it is foolish to do something that you could regret, so, I guess, err on the side of caution when it comes to sex for the possibility that it could be a horrific experience. Then again, it could take some time to find that great person, and a poorly thought out plan could have surprising consequences…
My advice? Make mistakes, have bad sex, eat bad food, break up, make up, lose friends, get better ones, but through it all make sure you never say to yourself, ‘if only’. As someone pretty famous that I can’t recall once said, those are the saddest words anyone can utter. Also, you don’t want to be a boring fucker now, do ya?
