(There now follows a transcript of the radio report on the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester.
(There now follows a transcript of the radio report on the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester. The Conservatives have put on an admirable show, trying their hardest to persuade people to vote for them in 2015.)[Big Ben: Bing bing bong booong, bing bong bong booong. Bing bong bing booong. Booong bing bing booong.]
BBC News. This is William Hewstone. Good evening.[Big Ben: Bong!]
The Conservative Party Conference came to a close this afternoon, with the Prime Minister David Cameron’s speech, in which he outlined new and far-reaching…[Big Ben: Bong!]
…policies that Conservative MPs speaking to Radio 4 have responded to, describing them as “Fantastic, an inspiration,” “We really have hope now” and “What a monumental bloody[Big Ben: Bong!]
…this is what we had been dreading. The only hope now is Boris.” David Cameron has responded in a Youtube video, saying “This is a video for all my haters. I am serious about government. Haters gonna hate, but I know in my heart I am right”.[Big Ben: Bong!]
More on that story later. The Chancellor has announced £10bn in spending cuts, including the selling off of national heritage sites, which Labour say could include the Palace of Westminster, and even the famous Elizabeth clock tower.[Big Ben: BONG??]
Mr Osborne said in his speech on Tuesday that…[Big Ben: BONG BONG!??]
Can somebody turn that bell off please![Big Ben: BONG! BO-AAAARGGH!]
The main agenda of David Cameron’s speech was ‘Rising Britain’. Cameron had a hard job matching Miliband though. William Hague had said over the weekend “Ed Miliband, you’re no Disraeli” though, and in the light of recent media appearances by Labour spokesmen including Lord Prescott, who said “Who the hell is Disraeli!?” It was looking increasingly easy to impress.
The moment that made me sympathise was a tribute to the paralympians, remembering Cameron’s disabled son Ivan, who died tragically several years ago. He went on though, to praise the Queen for Queening, the armed forces for armed forcing, Britain for rising, Olympians for being good at Olympicsing, even Boris for Bunbrying, or whatever it is he actually does.
Cameron concluded his speech with a rousing call for people to abandon a Labour party of such little substance, saying “…and anyway, their MPs are an absolute fleet of Berties! Vote TORY!”
The Secretary of State for Local Government, Eric Pickles, also weighed in, wowing the Conference with his spectacular Captain Mainwaring impression. Although some MPs are alleging that that part wasn’t intentional. Earlier in the week, Ken Clarke, minister without portfolio, was very candid in his question and answer session, saying “uh babababa buh buh, um, um um um, Er, thank you for coming.”
Anne Widdicombe was also on top form, shouting about being repressed by a “totalitarian state” [no, really, I’m not making this up] and pro-gay marriage supporters were compared by Lord Carey to Nazis [seriously, look it up!]. Widdicombe’s critics call her “useless”, “a disgrace”, and ask why we are to take advice from someone who has never married, on the subject of marriage of all things. She said in response “I maaaaaaay, ne- [high-pitched squeak] -ver have married. But I watch lots of Rom-coms so I. know. My. Stuff. I am not a bigot. You are bigots. SO there. I win.”
Baroness Sayeeda Warsi used her speech this week to call for new regulation on pandering. All pandering in the news is to be filtered through a giant Warsi-ometer on the wall of 10 Downing Street, with only the pandering that receives full marks being allowed to air. This follows allegations that Warsi has in fact been pandering openly to voters. She said in a statement yesterday “I am horrified at these allegations, and for this reason I will be referring myself to the Independent Lords Commissioner on Pandering. If there’s any pandering going on, I want to be the first to do it – er, hear about it.” [I may have made a little of that last bit up.]
So ends the Party Conference season for 2012. The time is approximately half past spin. Thank you for listening.