Eight people who should stay away from gigs

It’s almost festival season again and if you’re anything like me you’ve already checked your tent for leaks, cleaned last year’s mud off the wellies and made a schedule

It’s almost festival season again and if you’re anything like me you’ve already checked your tent for leaks, cleaned last year’s mud off the wellies and made a schedule of stage times for all the bands you simply cannot miss (toilet breaks included of course). 

 

Whether you’re heading to one of the summer’s biggest attractions; Glastonbury, Download, V festival or just checking out a few local bands in the village hall there’s always someone who manages to ruin your fun.

 

These are my top culprits – five points for each one you manage to elbow in the gut…

 

 

It’s wonderful you can reach the top shelf in the supermarket without needing a step ladder, pass me one of those jars of pickles while you’re there please, but at a concert? I paid too much money for this ticket to just see last year’s tour destinations on the back of your shirt. 

 

 

He doesn’t care which song’s playing, he’s getting hammered on five quid pints (most of which are being sloshed down my leg). He’s yelling at the band and pushing people over. It’s just rude, especially when Taylor Swift is baring her soul up on stage. 

 

 

There’s a whole circle of crazy fools who want to smash into each other over there – please go join them and don’t break my nose with your flailing limbs. 

 

 

Oh, hey did I get in the way of you filming the whole damn show on your phone? I mean – is your memory so bad that as soon as you leave the venue everything will just pop right out of your mind? Or perhaps no one believed you’d ever be cool enough to go see One Direction live, so you need proof you were really there. Either way, it makes no sense to pay all that money just to watch it all through a tiny screen. And I will turn round and pull faces into the camera. 

 

 

Requesting obscure B-sides doesn’t make you edgy and cool. It makes you annoying because no one knows the words and really, all we want to do is sing along. Good live bands know how to make a set-list; do you really think you know better?

 

 

So your friends wanted to see a show and you didn’t want to feel left out tomorrow, when they’re showing off their matching tour tees and squealing about how “Lars definitely caught my eye… he so did!” They played you Enter Sandman and you thought – this is all just noise to me but tagged along anyway. You look like a fool standing there looking blank.

 

 

Ah young love. Conquers all; being jostled from all sides, large sweaty men crowd surfing above your heads, a desire to watch the show… So please: if you’re not even going to look at the stage then can I stand in front of you? Because I’d much rather look at Mumford and all his Sons than see you wrestle. 

 

 

As yet another plastic cup bounces off my head; pouring beer over my face (please let it be beer!)  I silently vow that I will find you and make you pay for the panda eyes and sticky hair. I mean come on – I’m never getting invited onto the tour bus now!