BB 2012? – No thanks, I’d rather poke my eyes out with a lolly stick.

It is indeed that time of year again when we gather round our television sets to watch people with borderline personality disorders argue about rice and bananas.  I am of course referring to B

It is indeed that time of year again when we gather round our television sets to watch people with borderline personality disorders argue about rice and bananas.  I am of course referring to Big Brother, which some may perceive as a social stain that continues to blight humanity, or indeed you may find it a fascinating insight into human nature and the inherent kindness that prevails when complete strangers are thrown together for four weeks. 

Regardless of your personal thoughts, it is generally agreed that the quality of a particular series is usually the result of the quality of the housemates.  And when I say quality, I mean aggression and insanity, because lets be honest, we only watch to see them fight.  No one wants to see any of them make friends, rather brutally backstab each other at every turn, only for Big Brother to reveal their misdeeds, and the resulting emotional carnage to scar every last one of them.  Or something like that.  With this in mind, let us delve into the world of the housemates and see what we have to work with.

Let’s start with Benedict.  Previously a teacher who moonlighted as a pornstar, and shock! When his headmaster found out, he got fired, now leaving him time to focus on his real passion.  Obviously this man possesses great skills of judgment, which should no doubt aid him with nominations. 

Then we have a young woman named Caroline.  Is Caroline the most annoying person in the world?  Yes, yes she is.  Her voice is like a hyper, posh and female Joe Pasquale, the horrors of which I’m sure you can imagine.  Her voice works as a sort of repellent, I hear it and immediately punch my tv/break into tears/change the channel. 

Hark back to the days of 2002, when Channel 4 put at least semi-normal people in the house, and it made for a reasonable show.  Big Brother’s ‘glory days’ if you will.  Now we have people that are genuinely so crazy, they are impossible to relate to.  Either this, or they are so far up their own bottoms, so impossibly vain, it is just far too easy to develop an instant hate for them.  Thank goodness then, for a few select individuals in the house this year.

A young beautiful woman named Sara, a man who previously spent time in prison named Adam and Luke, who despite telling everyone that he was medically born a woman, and is nearly now a man, seems tolerable.  I’m not entirely sure if this is a sex change or not, he seems not to think so.  Anyway, these people seem to resonate with us normal folk the most and hopefully, will last longer than the likes of Arron.  Arron strikes many similarities with Narcissus, the young man in greek mythology who falls in love with his own reflection.  Hence this is one of the characters mentioned previously we all hate after an hour of footage.  He looks no older than twelve, and he just runs about all day with his lip balm and hair straighteners acting like God’s gift to modelling.  This is annoying. 

If you recall last years series, a posh boy named Harry did reasonably well in amongst all the riff-raff, and so this year we have Scott, who is posher than Harry, and gay.  And he revealed his sexual orientation to his family for the first time in his nationwide screened audition tape. Nice one, Scott. 

few days, and already had an argument about limp lettuce leaves.  Just leaf it out Lydia.  Also worth noting, she is the partner of Andy Scott Lee, brother of Lisa Scott Lee from Steps.  She stresses the need and urge to step out of his shadow and be recognised as an individual.  Let me just say anyone who thinks Andy Scott Lee even has a shadow, is sadly out of touch with what we call ‘reality.’  This includes Lydia, and as a result, pity is the most forthcoming emotion when she talks about living underneath the giant celebrity wings of her fiancee.  It’s quite sad, really.

We also have Miss India Uk, called Deana, and she is both stunning, and stunningly boring.  Mention should also go to Connor, who is the ‘fittest 24 year old to come out of Derry, ever.’  Nice one, Connor.  As well as being modest, Connor is also loved by most of the housemates, probably because he’s so fit, and looks to be a favourite already. 

As we come close to the end of our analysis of these lovely people, we should mention Chris.  Chris works as a doorman, and a baliff.  He has previously been held hostage and been bitten by a dog, and states that women come easy to him.  He has a 50 inch chest and goes to the gym ‘religiously.’  What is the picture you’re building in your mind?  A Jean Claude Van Damme esque superhero?  Wrong.  Chris is the most unthreatening man you will ever see.  I can indeed confirm, his 50 inch chest, contains zero inches of muscle, and strangely, his voice hasn’t broken yet.  Seriously, he sounds like an extra from Alvin and the Chipmunks. He laughs that he has to put on a deep voice when addressing ruffians while working as a doorman.  I also laughed when I heard this, as did the nation.  Lastly, we have Ashleigh, whose sole character trait is to constantly drop the F-bomb.  This is highly irritating, and utterly needless.  From the nation, shut up, Ashleigh.  

Anyone who has not been mentioned is probably because they are mind numbingly dull, and I can’t remember them.  One man I cannot forget however, is Brian Dowling.  Oh Brian.  Like Alan Carr after a talentesctomy, one cannot help but wonder what Davina is so busy doing.

So taking these things into consideration, I can confirm that during the month of June, I will be glued to the TV, watching a bunch of sad individuals trying to prove to the nation they are talented.  That’s right, I’ll be watching England, stumble their way through Euro 2012 and will be avoiding Big Brother at all costs.