student life

The Lesser Spotted to the Swot: a Guide to Student Types

Written by Naomi

Student Guides come in many forms.

Student Guides come in many forms. There are those that tell you which institutes provide the best graduate jobs, which have the friendliest feel, sell the cheapest beer or probably more importantly how to write a winning essay… Forget all those because what you really need is a guide to the students themselves. With the growing worry that the university student may become a rare breed due to fee increases and graduate jobs being on the decline, here is a guide to spotting this delightful mammal, before it disappears totally from our lives.

The Sleeping Student

This type rarely surfaces before 4 pm. This does not mean that it is lazy just that its body clock is on rave mode and will be returning to its lair around dawn where it will collapse into bed ready to recharge for the following night. It can be spotted on night buses, or hanging around the city centre waiting for the transport system to spark into life so that it can make the journey back to the safety of the duvet cover.

The Mature Student

This is an easy spot around campus. They can wander into a lecture room where other students are just ‘hanging out’ using the computers, where, being mistaken for a lecturer can clear it within seconds without saying anything. They look as if they are somebody’s parent who has forgotten to return home after dropping their off-spring at halls. They do not need to show their ID at the student bar because again they are usually mistaken for staff returning for their shift. Familiar phrases they can be heard to utter are “At the risk of sounding like your mother/father…” , “When we were young we had to wait until 6 o’clock for the latest news to come on our black and white television sets”, and the classic, “I know you’ve just told me, but what room is our lecture in? I’ve forgotten.”

The Immature Student

This student is on its first adventure away from home and just doesn’t know when to stop. The word freedom has become their cry and nothing will stop them from experiencing all the things they were never allowed to do when living with their family. This includes shopping for alcohol and chocolate. They eat when they want and drink constantly. This latter trait can be applied to any of the student types but with the immature student it is normally followed by having to return back to the homestead to recover under the wistful care of a parent.

The Lesser Spotted Student

Identified by its absence in lectures this type is in fact not as rare as its name suggests. They can indeed be spotted mainly in the bar during lecture time, lunch time or anytime. It is known for its complaints about striking lecturers and the fact that they feel cheated by the lack of time given to them at tutorials. They fail to see their non appearances at lectures are in anyway responsible for disappointing grades. Have been heard to say, “The lectures are all on-line why should I waste precious drinking time?”

The Student Swot

In contrast to the lesser spotted, this type never frequents the student bar. Always wishing to return immediately to the library to digest the copious notes made in its most recent lecture this student can be easily recognised by the size of the bag over its shoulder. Bursting with files and library books the bag of the student swot is a familiar sight on campus but must not be confused with the bag of its exceedingly distant cousin the Osmosis Student, who just carries library books around with them all semester in the hope that the contents will infiltrate through the material into their system. Can be found weeping quietly on Christmas Day morning on finding the usual 24 hour library opening hours do not apply on this day.

The Plagiaristic Student

Often seen shadowing the Student Swot this one hangs around attending lectures occasionally but not really paying much attention. It comes into its own when deadlines approach and suddenly becomes very friendly with anyone who may possibly be foolish enough to lend it draft essays or assignments for what it will claim are “purely for reading purposes”. Known for its annual statement, “I’m not thinking of copying them, I’ve just lost all my notes.” Can be found in the Head of Department’s Office explaining itself once results day has passed.