Thirty two seconds, I’d say. Thirty two seconds since I last scrambled the keyboard to shut down a ‘Sarah wants to chat’ faux-Facebook pop up showcasing a topless ‘Sarah’ gyrating over my screen with an awkward look of jaw-dropped jubilation on her face.
In-between Topless Sarah shots were ‘bad gal wants you’ messages starring a dopey-eyed young lady in a school uniform/nurses outfit/all out Star-Wars-fetish-spectacular. Be warned: should you find yourself searching for Lena Dunham’s hit show Girls with the phrase ‘watch Girls online’, you will not find what you are looking for.
And it’s not just the web.
There’s nothing like kicking back on the 18.09 train from Waterloo, flicking through the final pages of the free paper when BLAM! Topless Sarah returns. You turn the page immediately, wide-eyed and fidgeting in your seat, slightly paranoid that a fellow commuter may mistake your awkwardness for interest.
But let’s face it, whether you’re interested or not, soft porn imagery is officially mainstream. We cannot escape it. It is unapologetically contaminating our entertainment media with a term reserved for, to put it frankly, people having sex on camera for money.
And to ensure it’s covered another creative base, self-proclaimed Number One free porn site in the world, Porn Hub, announced on September 24 that it has launched its very own record label. Hallelujah we all exclaim with hands to the sky and a sigh of ‘at last!’ relief gushing (pardon the pun) from our mouths.
Welcome to Porn Hub Records.
You can just imagine it, can’t you? A dimly lit studio with smoke-filled drapes lining the furry burgundy walls. Topless Sarahs handing out short glasses of liquor to the smarmy men in creased suits that would be far more at home in Stringfellows than at Sony Records.
But, if you’re imagining album launches held in the nude, on-stage orgies or moustache-bearing boy bands with pimp-sticks you will be sorely disappointed. And contrary to what may be your first assumption, Porn Hub Records is not producing music for porn. Why would they, you ask, when old school 70’s sax’ tracks provide the perfect accompaniment? Well, precisely.
Instead, the label plans to sign artists whose music and/or videos contain explicit material for the viewing pleasure of ‘over-18’s’. Explaining how it will work, Head of PR and Marketing Matt Blake said: “Artists upload their own stuff, like uncensored tracks and R-rated versions of songs. Some people come in and upload exclusive videos, so it creates a buzz for them” when speaking with Billboard.
Prepare to let out another squeal of delight, as the label has also launched a contest to find the official “Porn Hub” anthem and associated video. Hurrah!
The winner of the contest will receive a $5,000 prize that will go towards an official music video to debut on the site. With Beyoncé recently prancing around a pole and banging on about relations in the back of a cab in ‘Partition’ and J-Lo spending the entire video for ‘Booty’ oiled up, bouncing her, erm, booty as close to the camera as is humanly possible, can you even imagine the possibilities for Porn Hub Record’s official anthem? Heart-racing stuff.
Of course, it is all well and good establishing a record label with the sole intention of signing explicit artists or material and Porn Hub is an undeniably successful site in certain circles. It’s just that marrying the two feels wholly inappropriate. A bit like asking Topless Sarah to attend your Grandmother’s birthday bash. You just.wouldn’t.do.it.
What about Virgin?
What’s wrong with Sony Music, Universal and EMI? These are more appropriate company names and all have a healthy, happy holy matrimony with music. And before you shout at the screen ‘What about the name VIRGIN?!’, Richard Branson decided on this subtle title as he considered himself a business virgin, which makes total sense. But a label that includes ‘Porn’ in the title and boasts such screamingly obvious ties to the sex industry? Surely, this has to be the line.
Ultimately, exposure to porn should be a choice. A choice made by adults, discreetly. Scantily-clad people doing unspeakable things to one another should be tarred with the term. Creative arts should not. Thankfully, it seems that the majority of artists aren’t willing to undermine their art by association to an industry that exists solely to arouse sexual excitement. The new label’s Twitter followers currently stand at just 24 so perhaps we need not be concerned. Maybe the label will end up lasting as long as some of the moustached ‘stars’ featured on its website. Or so I’ve heard.
More to the point, if musicians associate themselves with Porn Hub in order to sell music, what’s left for Topless Sarah and co’?
An alternative record label option? See what Alex Sambrook thinks of Government funded labels here.
