Today I’m posing a question. How many times can you try and save someone?
Over the past six years I’ve had fair share of relationships that were never quite right. Whether it be coping with a controlling boyfriend, helping another with their mental health diagnosis or constantly reassuring someone with trust issues, there has never been a time where I’ve felt a relationship has been a two way street.
I started seeing someone at the start of July. By ‘seeing’ what I really mean is, ‘this guy is in his late 20s but doesn’t really know what he wants’. Perhaps that seems too harsh? Or perhaps it’s unusual that myself as a 21 year old knows exactly what she wants from life.
The thing that initially attracted me to this guy was his dedication to his band. For me there is nothing better than a proactive and ambitious attitude. However with this driven attitude came an aura of arrogance. I don’t believe this was purposeful. After suddenly losing his best friend last year he had built up a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt. I could be completely wrong, but that’s my interpretation. Having lost my dad last year I know all too well the impact that grief can cause. You either become isolated like myself, or you fall at the other end of the spectrum, losing yourself in the midst of social gatherings.
For this guy he fell neatly into the latter category. He possessed a massive sense of bravado around his friends. Confident, alluring and seemingly held together. Alone he was affectionate but always so distracted. I never felt like he was fully there. Granted, I am the sort of person that craves attention, but when someone would rather be working on a band video that spending time with the person they’re seeing it’s quite hurtful.
I don’t need to go into great depth about other details but this poor guy had pretty much lost his way. That’s not to say he wasn’t focused on his career and band, but in the midst of this he was coping in harmful and self-destructive ways. As much as I could see underneath it all he was a decent person, I had had enough of trying to be a hero.
Your twenties truly are a time to put yourself first, find your feet and not take any crap from others. I’d found that all too often I had put myself out for others, whether that be friends, relatives or indeed in a relationship. So, with this in mind, I decided to call things a day and cut contact. I wish you the best bass playing dude.
And so that brings me onto my top five things I’ve learnt:
- Dating someone older doesn’t always mean they’re more mature.
- Know your self worth. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
- Pros and cons lists are actually a really good idea.
- Don’t try to justify someone’s behavior. It isn’t you. It’s them.
- I will still always prefer dark haired men.