Fanny Farts
Fanny farting is possibly the most embarrassing thing to happen to a girl mid-intercourse. The fart-like sound erupts when we least expect it, causing us to go bright red and mumble something about ‘trapped air’. The problem is, where there is one fanny fart, there are more, and the only way to get them all out is by moving/jumping/wriggling until you think it’s all over. I have heard, though don’t believe, that it is worse for boys who feel unbearably awkward as they struggle to keep an erection and try not to think of you farting.
RUEF (Random Unprovoked Erectile Failure)
It’s hot. Really hot. You are both semi-undressed, your girlfriend presses her hand up against your leg and moves it up your crotch and- nothing. For some reason, you don’t have a raging hard on. She stops kissing you and looks at you with a mix of bewilderment and sheer disappointment, which only makes it worse as you urge blood to flow to your unmentionable. It’s annoying and frustrating for both parties, as you both try to get dressed again while retaining your dignity.
The Messy Aftermath
In every movie sex-scene, there is no mention of a condom (unless key to the plot, i.e. Knocked Up) so I take it we are to assume there isn’t one. Bearing that in mind, the sex-scene happens, the man rolls of the woman and then they both just lay there without any mention of the massive wet patch in the middle of the bed. And then the woman just gets up and goes about her business! What about the trail of spunk running down your leg, lady? Are you just gonna leave it there? Someone should tell you: keep tissues next to the bed, things get messy. But they don’t, unfortunately for your dry cleaning bill.
Orgasms don’t happen like ‘that’
I had a conversation with someone the other day who has the viewpoint: you are still a virgin until someone else gives you an orgasm. If this were true, I have been a virgin for half my sexual history. Men, I fear, are slightly mislead by porn films about how easy it is to give a girl the big O. A girl will not start manically moaning 10 seconds into sex, unless she is faking it. Sorry boys, someone had to tell you. For ladies, a little work and a lot of patience is needed before her world will shake with pleasure.
There’s no such thing as ‘no strings attached’ sex
I long for Sex and the City’s Samantha’s attitude towards sexual encounters: get in me and get out, but it wasn’t that simple for me. After a few weeks of being someone’s friend with benefits, I found myself thinking about him in other places than the shower. I got butterflies when I saw him and I found all his jokes hilarious. Eventually it hit me that I had feelings for this guy, because sex, as much as it can be a recreational thing, also creates an emotional bond due to the dozens of chemical reactions that occur left, right and centre in the body during and after sex. It may not be the same for everyone, but we’re all human, and sex undoubtedly changes the way you feel about someone, even if that feeling is ‘I never want to go through what you think is sex ever again’.
