sex & relationships

Don’t try this in bed (or anywhere else for that matter)

On Valentine’s Day, my father shared an anecdote with me. He was in the queue for the pharmacy, and there was a rather twitchy 60 year old man purchasing condoms.

On Valentine’s Day, my father shared an anecdote with me. He was in the queue for the pharmacy, and there was a rather twitchy 60 year old man purchasing condoms. The silver speckled gentleman picked up four different packets: Ribbed, Flavoured, (at which point mother quipped: “What on earth do you need flavoured ones for?”) Feather Lite and the ever intimidating Variety Pack. The interesting factor in all this was that the nervous shopper had a look of severe dread on his face and was sweating profusely. It was then that my father noticed the other items: a spatula, a feathery cat toy and a whisk.

The man mopped his brow before he paid a staggering £50 for his array of culinary items and enough condoms to supply a student at fresher’s week. Then, apparently seeing a kindred spirit in my father, gave him a significant look before saying: “fifty shades, eh?”

Valentine’s Day is so much more than an over-invested marketing scheme to get the public to increase the debts they haven’t paid off from Christmas in order to buy all things red. It is a danger to all humanity as the bedroom is no longer a place of sanctuary. It becomes a terrible torture room where your partner demands to “try new things”, often involving some heavy S&M and the omission of a safe-word.

It wouldn’t be alright, but it would be OK if this odd and potentially life threatening behaviour was limited to one day. But it’s not. Due to the freedom of sexual expression, and in part Christian Grey, we can all be subjected to terrible sexual experiences when we least expect it. Now, I like to think of myself as a bit of a revolutionary changer-of-the-world, no biggie. So, the very least I can do is to discourage those of you reading this article who want to try things you saw in a Cuban porno set in a little bay called Guantanamo. Here we are then, things never to try in bed:

Baby Talk

I don’t have testicles, so I can’t really answer this, so I put it to you, gentlemen: Is there anything more ball shrivelling than a girl putting on a high pitched voice and saying, “I want to lick your penie wenie until you cummy wummy on my tummy”? I didn’t think so. (OK, apart from what they did with the corkscrew in the Cuban porno.)

I think you’ll all agree with me when I say, it’s a penis, not a puppy, so don’t treat it like one.

Shoe Horns

If you’re going to get down and dirty with a sex toy, please let it be created for that purpose. There is no shame in admitting that you have four rabbits (rampant ones, not real ones—although I did have a confusion with a colleague about this the other week. To be honest, I’m still not sure what she was talking about) but there is shame in keeping a shoe horn/cork/bag of carrots next to your bed. 

Penis Names

Little Chris, Conan the Destroyer, Rob the Ruiner, Theo Walcott (because when he shoots, he scores!) are all ridiculous names for an appendage. In fact, all names for an appendage are ridiculous because, contrary to popular belief, a penis is not a separate entity from a male’s body, though it does have a mind of its own. The only acceptable name would be Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, because at least you can have a laugh reminiscing about Friends before your girlfriend kicks you out and says she never wants to see you again.


“That was the most average sexual experience of my life. Can you please cuddle me for fifteen minutes until I start snoring? Then you can let yourself out before my nightly flatulence begins.”

“I’m so glad you’re a real woman. For a moment I was like is she? Isn’t she? And then I was like whoa. But it’s cool, you totally have a vagina.”

If these statements are anything to go by, and have no doubt gone through someone’s mind at some point or another, it’s best to keep stum in bed. Mum’s the word, eh? Which leads me on to…


Your parents, siblings and pets have no place in the bedroom. Saying, “I think my sister has that bra,” is a sure fire way to stop whatever steaminess was hotting up between the sheets. Similarly, no matter how many guys say Daddy Issues are a turn on, just don’t say the ‘D’ word mid, pre or post coitus. Even if you’re being ‘ironic’ because you’re a hipster (yeah, we know how you all looove that).


Have you ever thought, wow, this sex is so hot, you could fry and egg on it? Of course not, but unfortunately someone has. The egg did not fry, but dried to give both parties a shiny glow. Short term—healthy skin; long term—you’re the couple that thought you were a frying pan.

The thing is, it always seems like such a good idea at the time. The thought of licking chocolate off, well, anything is a largely pleasant thought. What could go wrong with chocolate ice cream? It can smudge on your white sheets leading anyone who sees your bed to believe you have a serious bowel problem. Nice.


In sex, there is nothing they don’t do. Not me personally, you understand, just people in general on the internet and stuff. I’m horrified to say that all of the above things I have suggested never to try, have a dedicated fan base based in America, and a hoard of dirty videos that you have to enter card details to watch. Baked beans, dressing as babies, and all manner of bodily fluids are exchanged between two (or often more) people on the internet, though there is one exception to the rule.


A woman getting all emotional as the tip goes in ruins the mood faster than you can say “hard on.” Ladies, if you’re feeling emotional, excuse yourself for a moment before going through with the deed. I can’t imagine anything more soul crushing than someone else’s tears on your penis.

Unfortunately for us, and by us I mean the (cough) sexually active population, we are all going to have a bad experience in bed. There is no escape. And, this list is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things to never try in bed. I’m sure each one of you reading this has your own addition, and I’m equally sure that on this long and winding road that is sexual discovery, we all have a lot more to learn about what we never ever want to try in bed.


What do you think? What would you add to this list? Have your say in the comments section below, on Facebook or on Twitter.