It’s here, the massively epic post you’ve all been waiting for.
It’s here, the massively epic post you’ve all been waiting for. Yes people it’s time to touch base and make sure we’re all singing from the same hymn sheet as I deliver the single best blog post you’ve ever read. Strap yourself in, this is going to be classic.
I can hear some of you screaming already, and for what it’s worth I fully agree. It’s gone too bloody far. If I hear the word epic one more fucking time I’m going to ram it down someone’s throat. When did we become so linguistically castrated?
Verbal clichés aren’t just taking over our conversations. They’re taking a mortgage out on the English language. “Literally”, “epic” and “incredible” are the new common adjectives littering our everyday conversations like a bad smell. These are the new boys in town, and like verbal tanks they obliterate everything else before them, leaving behind nothing but phrases like, “Yeah mate, I’m not going to lie that pizza was incredible. Literally, epic.”
Was it epic? Really? Did the chef spell out the first verse to Paradise Lost using fragments of Chorizo? Or does the pizza itself deserve to be the subject of a modern day epic poem? Dante’s Flaming Inferno perhaps??
Sorry, that was unforgivable. Let’s take five then we can carry on.
It’s the clichéd phrases that really drive us up the spout though isn’t it? You won’t have to think outside the box here to remember any of these I’m sure, but here’s my top ten.
10. “Get that to me by the end of play”
First of all, since when was slave labour defined as play? Come to think about it when did work and play both magically get rolled into one??
9. “Ping that over”
The only time the word ping should be used in any context is when it’s attached to the word “pong”.
8. “Have you seen my new digs?”
WHAT? So you’re an archaeologist? No you’re just linguistically challenged, although I imagine you do probably live in a hole.
7. “Just saying…”
Just saying what? The same two bloody words?
6. “No offence but…”
But what??? Literally whatever comes after this phrase is 110% GUARANTEED to be offensive.
5. “I’m not going to lie…”
Well to be honest, I now have reason to believe you my friend are a pathological LIAR.
4. “At the end of the day…”
It’s night? The cow jumps over the moon? I stab you with a spoon?!
3. “That’s the money shot”
Is this or is this not acceptable to say in front of your future in laws? I just don’t know!!
2. “When you’re ready…”
You’d like me to think outside the box and hit you with the blunt edge of a spade and not the sharp one?
1. “Your call is important to us, please hold the line…”
So important that by the end of it I’ll owe you circa £10 in charges? So important that you let a robot answer the phone? So important that in the time it takes for someone to actually answer I could have composed Beethoven’s 5th symphony? The very same symphony you are you are currently force feeding my ears?
So there you are people, run that up the flagpole and let me know what you think. The time has come to roll this post out so I can reach out to all of you. Do feel free to let me know if you think this has been an epic fail or a complete no brainer. Whatever your views I’ll be sure to touch base with you again very soon so keep your eyes peeled for more of my low hanging fruit.