current affairs

Nuclear negotiagation (with a Prescottian twist.)

International news sources went live last Sunday morning with the story that the Obama administration was denying “intense, secret exchanges between American and Iranian officials” as rep

International news sources went live last Sunday morning with the story that the Obama administration was denying “intense, secret exchanges between American and Iranian officials” as reported on the front page of the New York Times. The story was that apparently the White House has been negotiating nuclear settlement scenarios with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad since Obama took office in 2008. Their shrill denials rang out across the plains of the commentariat’s roaming grounds like the excuses of two ‘freshers’ caught sharing “intense, secret exchanges”- “What?? No, there’s nothing going on! We don’t even like each other!”

This claim, of course, turned out to be true, and the denials were glumly accepted. The story died as news editors everywhere returned to playing basketball with screwed up pieces of paper and the office bin. But it definitely got me thinking. If the Americans have not succeeded or, as they argue, attempted, to negotiate with the Iranians, that leaves only the UK between peace and a hellish world of nuclear fallout and death. Think X-Factor Final meets the D-day scenes in ‘Saving Private Ryan’.

In the past, countries have sent senior politicians to act as negotiators. Jimmy Carter went to North Korea in the 90s, Senator George Mitchell and Canada’s General de Chastelain helped with the protracted negotiations in Northern Ireland.  Unfortunately for us, few UK politicians are capable of meeting the great reputation and clout of international figures. We do have one man though, whose clout has become legendary (after he swiftly punched an angry voter who threw an egg in his face). That’s right. Lord Prescott. I can imagine the talks even now…

Prescott: “So, ah, thank you very much for coming, Pres’ent Afterdinnerjacket, I think we’ve made some good proguss, and intusting suggesstioms.

President Ahmadinejad: “What are we even doing here? I have no nuclear facilities.

Prescott: “Well, I got to get together sustainably a permanent framework, permanent and in a complete frame, as with North Korea, my position being that I want to make my position particularly, and clear, for example bolishing nuclar arments and such like that the great social injustice that this first step can take down and is exemplified in that not the other.”

President Ahmadinejad: “I wanted to meet Tony Blair. Do you know him? Could you get this cricket ball autographed for me?”

Prescott: “Well, I think transitionally, now, transnationally the strategemy looks more postitive now….”

President Ahmadinejad: “Get on with it, you’re wasting my time. I am a very dangerous man you know. My nuclear bombs–er, power stations, are more powerful than you can possibly imagine!”

And so it would go on. It is sad to think the Iranians actually elected this nutter into the Presidency.

The nuclear crisis has no clear end in sight and if there is not even backchannel negotiation then the foundations of a settlement cannot be laid. It’s time the freshers started hopping into bed with one another, diplomatically speaking. Only united can western powers reach a peaceful solution, and their increasing isolation isn’t helping. With each successive revolution another friendly, if completely batty dictator, is overthrown and replaced with a hostile parliament. Which leads me to (rather facetiously) ask. Why do we support the revolutions in the first place?

One is reminded of Churchill’s pronouncement that “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.”