Don’t talk! Read my badge.

It came to light this weekend that a pregnant commuter was asked, by a fellow passenger on the tube, where her baby was. It wasn’t that she was pushing an empty pram, holding an invisible bundle or anything out of the ordinary. She was in fact wearing a ‘Baby on Board’ badge; the ones that Transport for London (TfL) freely give to women who may suffer from pregnancy effects which could include sickness, swollen ankles, fainting, sciatica or extreme tiredness. These badges have proved extremely useful to passengers ever since TfL introduced them in 2005 – and not just the pregnant ones. It can be useful to those who sometimes worry about offending people by having to ask if they would like a seat. (Think about it: Does that person think I’m old or pregnant?)

It is a well-known fact that nobody likes to talk to people on the tube…so why not let’s all wear a badge and help get our messages across. The Baby on Board badge is after all an excellent idea and on this point I have come up with a list of ten badges that TFL should also bring out to aid tube travellers of all ages.

1) I’ve been partying all night

A useful badge for students coming home in the early hours who want to take up at least three seats on their journey home. No need to disturb them when one can see the reason they are sprawled over the seats.

2) I’m going to throw up

Useful for all concerned here. Give the person space.

3) I had garlic last night, washed down with copious pints of gassy lager

​This is a god-send and would probably get you a carriage all to yourself never mind some personal space.

4) Am I on the wrong line?

This would save the passenger having to ask every time the tube pulled into a station where he was. Other passengers could just repeat the announcer’s spiel that the traveller failed to hear while he was looking at the map for the 8th panicky time.

5) I’m reading the paper not listening to your conversation 

This speaks for itself. It would save other passengers looking shiftily around while they try to confess what really went on at that all night party that the guy asleep on the seats four points back has been to.

6) I am listening to your conversation

A great badge to alert others to why you are really on the tube. See also  Yes you heard that correctly What??

7) I’m not pregnant

Perfect for those who want to be first in the queue to give up their seats.

8) I haven’t a baby on board but I used to have and it’s worn me out so please give me a bloody seat! 

For those too tired to complain about not having a seat.

…and the ones for the martyrs…

9) I’ll stand, don’t mind me…

The morning martyr wears this …The evening one has this…

10) I’m STILL standing, don’t worry about it

Not to be confused with Elton John who back in the day had a hit with a similar title. Not that Sir Elton would be on the tube…

If you have any other ideas for useful TfL badges, let us know in the comments section!