What are you going to do with that terrible Christmas jumper?

It is that time of year when your Aunty Joyce spent ages giving you the needle with her ‘clickety clack, clickety clack.’ No, she hasn’t been at the station train spotting &nda

It is that time of year when your Aunty Joyce spent ages giving you the needle with her ‘clickety clack, clickety clack.’ No, she hasn’t been at the station train spotting – she kindly devoted hours of her time to your Christmas jumper, just like she used to when you were two years old.  You were too young then to vocalise a complaint about not finding a toy in her beautifully wrapped (she is creative after all) present to you. But now you can take a stand.

You know the sort she knitted. It is green and red with a Christmas tree on one side with purple pom pom baubles and a big snowman with a felt carrot nose on the back.– And since you rarely see her, what with you being hard at work studying at Uni – she wont know whether you wear it or not. She’s hardly going to facebook stalk you to check your photos. Although if you think that is a possibility, then it might be wise to upload a picture of you appreciating her masterpiece. In any case your friends will think you were drunk when it was taken. So to answer the question at the top of this piece here are a few ideas as to what you can actually use it for. Feel free to adlib and be creative over some of them; it’s what Aunty Joyce would want.

The Hamster Bedding

Last thing at night, take the jumper and drape it carefully over your younger sibling’s hamster cage. (Importantly make sure it is not your hamster. You want to be able to blame someone afterwards when your jumper is ruined.) Make sure the arms are tucked inside the bars so that Furryboo can pull the wool in with his tiny paws and sharp teeth. Step well away from the cage, retreat to bed. In the morning return to check that Furryboo slept well, you will find that he did; very well in fact, curled tightly inside his new red and green nest. He may not have eaten the felt carrot, but don’t feel the need to rescue it.  Don’t forget to look distraught whilst you hunt for something else – anything else – to wear next time she visits.

The January Sales Shopping Bag.

Find a student studying textiles who can sew up the sleeves and waist of the jumper. If you can persuade them, perhaps for the price of a vodka shot, to attach two strong handles at the neck line all the better. You now have your very own eco friendly shopping bag which will have heads turning in the high street. Ignore the sniggering; at least you can carry all your bargains in one bag.

The Kite 

Wait until the next windy day and offer to take the aforementioned student out to fly the prototype knitted kite, but not before you have persuaded them to attach a few long red ribbons to the sleeves. If there is another shot in the offing they may sew a cute little bow at the end of the ribbons which will give your kite an added ‘something’. As if it needed it.

The Bus Mat

If you are out and about late then you may find yourself travelling on the night bus. This can be a hazardous experience – but not so if you use your jumper wisely. There can sometimes be a tricky even sticky patch to avoid as you walk along trying to get to a seat that looks, even in your drunken state, good enough to sit on. Bring on ‘the bus mat’, sneakily disguised as Aunty Joyce’s jumper. Place the mat on the floor and watch as it absorbs the offending mess. You can now carefully place your feet on the jumper as you ease yourself into your seat.  Please remember you can only make use of the bus mat once, (not counting treading on it as you exit the bus). Do not attempt to pick it up. Fellow passengers will make use of it later and besides what do you think Aunty Joyce is going to give you next year? Yes, another bus mat. 

Save on your fuel bill

I appeal to the student population on this idea.  Obviously winter is upon us and heating bills are rising faster than the fees for university.  Worry no more about how you are going to keep warm. Find the largest, deepest saucepan you have in your kitchen. It maybe the one under all the piles of plates and cutlery hiding in the sink that you last saw at your house warming party containing the remains of pints of snakebite cocktail. Wash it up and dry thoroughly. (You can google that terminology later). Place the jumper in the pan, loosely folded and put a couple of matches in with it. If it fails to light take some lecture notes from last semester and screw them up into balls to assist with the conflagration. How good does that feel? Now place pan in the middle of room and stand over it rubbing your hands. Feel the warmth. 

Wrap it up and spread the love

The last option for the jumper is to re wrap it and hand the gift on to someone else. Preferably someone in your family or group of friends who you feel deserve to receive this. Aunty Joyces’ jumper – the gift that keeps on giving. Only it’s not Aunty Joyce’s is it? It’s yours. Bad luck!