There’s been a lot of bottom talk recently. Bums, arses, perky cheeks, that kind of thing. ‘Why?’ I hear you ask.
There’s been a lot of bottom talk recently. Bums, arses, perky cheeks, that kind of thing. ‘Why?’ I hear you ask. Because Mary Portas launched her new TV programme last week: Mary’s Bottom Line. She is on a mission to get your undies back to being made and sold in the UK, because in her eyes, British is best for our bums.
Being a great admirer of the woman in question and the industry that we all call fashion, I tuned in last Thursday to see what it was all about. I’m not going to lie, seeing ‘Bottom’ in the title also aroused my curiosity. Great advertising idea, whoever thought of that one.
British is best
In a nutshell, Portas wants to see the UK textile industry revived. Taking some facts and figures from the screen, we, the shopaholic British public, spend £2.5 BILLION on clothes each year. ‘Great!’ you cry. Yes, great. But only 10% of that is produced in the UK. Not so great now, is it?
The show, spread over 3 episodes (and can be found on 4OD in case you wanted to see it but were out on the razz last Thursday) takes us on a journey with Mary who wants to get British knickers made and back on to our UK market.
First, we see her explain her idea via a bit of Mary-style market research; targeting innocent shoppers on the high street, who, quite frankly, weren’t expecting to be questioned about their underwear choices that day.
‘We’re talking knickers here,’ she began, wanting to know where one girl had bought hers from. It was TV gold when the girl replied, ‘I don’t have any knickers on’.
(Listen closely and you can hear her boyfriend in the background go ‘Ohhh, that’s a great one’. I’ll let you decide if he said that with shame or excitement in his voice. Or his pants, for that matter.)
Baffled but none the less determined, her quest continued. As she stuck her freezing hands down a variety of girls’ trousers (ahem) the results she presented to us were alarming. None of these knickers were made in the UK.
At that point I began sticking my own hand down my own trousers. I was shocked. I bought my pretty little pair of knickers from M&S High Wycombe, but they were actually made in China.
(How many of you are now tugging at your pant labels? Caught out.)
With her point made the journey continued again; we soon found ourselves visiting some of the old (disused) textile factories (and their towns) around the UK. Now this, this was sad. I’m not in to old buildings but there was something about seeing 25 old sewing machines untouched that got to me. Her chats with equally inactive members of the public also struck a chord.
With in a matter of minutes the show evolved by seeing a fair few hundred people queuing outside the MP HQ looking to help Mary get her show on the road. They wanted a job. All of them. But there were only 8 positions available. The following 10 minutes of interview processing was sad, funny and damn right shocking.
(At this point, online, a man with a Twitter name beginning ‘Baldy’ slated Mary for encouraging cheap labour. Her response? ‘Oh bugger off. You have no idea.’
Can we all just take a moment to enjoy that? Thanks.)
As the plot thickened we saw Mary sourcing materials from the UK for her new panty line, now known to us as ‘Kinky Knickers’. And it was/is not an easy job to do. We also see seamstresses and Headen & Quarmby owners helping to train Mary’s new team of apprentices, trying to make this venture a success. Soon to be sold in Asos, Boots, John Lewis and House of Fraser, it was vital her work force is and was efficient in producing her Kinky Knickers on time and to an impeccable standard.
As Portas pops back on to our screen with knickers over her trousers in a pose strikingly similar to that of Superman, I realise TV doesn’t get much better than this (unless I’m watching Prisoner’s Wives, I really like that show) because the message here is serious, knicker lovers. As a country and as a kingdom, we are losing our sense of industrialisation, our strength as a community and our trade skills. Our pants are not from our people anymore and subsequently UK fashion is losing its way.
So as I leave you with that harsh but honest conclusion, students, editors, designers, more men like Mr Baldy, I urge you to do one thing: Next time you decide your bum needs a new outfit, think British, because one day it will be too late to go back.
