sex & relationships

Tinderella: How to be a heartbreaker

Having done more Tinder/Plenty of Fish dates than most of my friends combined (online dating is not for EVERYONE) I’ve had some absolutely fantastic dates. The ones where you sit down for a drink at half six after work and then somehow the bar staff are coming over asking you kindly to leave so they can, you know, go home.  

Then there are the other dates. Ones that make you worried about any kind of date you’ll be on in the future. That make you a little scared to go on any other date, and maybe a bit fearful for humanity.

In my vast dating experience (if I didn’t have a vast experience, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this column. Probably.) I’ve seen a few really questionable actions. . .

Don’t be on your phone constantly

Almost obvious, isn’t it? We live in the era where technology reigns as king, and mornings are begun with a flick through Facebook before we’ve even injected ourselves with coffee. However strong the grip your phone has on you (let’s not kid ourselves that it’s the other way around), a first date is never the time to keep tabs on that WhatsApp group with the lads, or check when and where the next girl’s night will be. Anyone who watched Young, Free and Single on E4 over the summer and saw Alex’s behaviour on her FIRST DATE EVER will know exactly what it’s like.

Stop talking about your bloody ex

Whether they’ve been in your life for six months or six years, there is not an appropriate time on date number one to mention the previous ‘Love of Your Life’. There will come a time, if the courtship progresses past the first meeting, where exes and relationship history will be thoroughly dissected. This ain’t that time. For the moment, there’s only one other woman in your life your date wants to hear about- your Mum. (And also, your dog. But that’s regardless of gender.)

Do NOT complain about the date

You’re being brought out of the house for an evening of entertainment and (hopefully) good company. The last thing you should do to show your gratitude is moan and bitch about going for a hike up a mountain for the afternoon. Ok, so it’s not exactly afternoon tea at the Ritz, but in life you can’t please everyone. If Netflix and Chill dates aren’t your thing, there’s a plethora of other things you can get out there and do. You just need an open mind.

Don’t make the situation worse than it already is.

Yeah, we get it. This is probably the strangest way to meet someone. Our grandparents would turn over ten times if they heard of the origins of our courtship. Hell, I would be too if I wasn’t computer literate. Dates that originate online are pretty common now, and it’s cool. What isn’t cool is referring to it every ten seconds, and saying how it’s making everything “so so awkward”. Chances are mate, we think it too, but we’ve danced around the elephant in the room and are trying desperately to steer the conversation away from the direction you’re driving us.

This week’s Straight White Boy comes with a very timely pick up line.